Room 218, Sunday Afternoon

[glacial_queen]

Karla hadn't fallen asleep until well after the sun was in the sky, which meant that she hadn't woken up again until well into the afternoon. As soon as she did, she had to fight back the temptation to just pull the covers back over her head and go back to sleep. Maybe, if she slept long enough, it could all be a dream?

Not getting Raven back, no. Not that. But everything else? That would be awesome, thanks.

But sleeping more was the coward's way out--and would lead to a nasty headache anyway--so Karla reluctantly got up, put herself together, and tidied up her side of the room, all the while dreading the time when she would have to go and leave her door open in silent invitation. Should she use Craft--no. That would seem too much a summons. Warren would come to her when he was ready, no reason to push him. Just the door it would be then.

After the door was cracked in a silent invitation, she retreated to her desk, busying herself with feeding her frogs and flipping through a magazine she barely saw. Her Black Widow senses were silent but she was filled with a strong sense of foreboding anyway.

[For he who is anticipated, please!]

Comments

[wwiii]

Okay. Warren had... rested somewhat, last night. It wasn't sleep, so much. Sleep hadn't exactly been a good idea, when he'd finally drifted away into it, because every time he closed his eyes, he saw...

Well, more of himself than anybody should have ever been able to see.

But he had promised her that he'd talk to her today. He had no idea what to say. No idea what she might say. But a promise was a promise, and for all of the ones that he'd been breaking lately, this one, he could keep.

Warren's eyes were on the floor as he raised a hand and knocked on Karla's doorframe. It was open a little, yes, but... Knocking was the way to be, here.

[glacial_queen]

Karla froze, right in the middle of flipping from one unseen page to the next, paper sliding out from between her nerveless fingers. Maybe I can just stay here and keep quiet and hide and not say anything! Maybe he'll just go away and come back later when he's less mad or when I can handle it better and then everything will be fine. Darkness, please let everything be fine...

Except that hamster-wheel of panicked thought wasn't actually helping anything and she gave herself a rough shake. This wasn't something that would be made better by waiting. Or by standing frozen next to her desk, in clear view of anyone who wanted to peek inside.

"Co--" Her voice cracked and broke. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Come in."

[wwiii]

Warren winced at the sound of that crack. That wasn't going to make this much easier, really.

But he opened the door, peering into the room for a moment, before stepping inside and closing it tight behind himself. And then... he stood there. He was completely healed. He was wearing new clothing. He'd showered for an hour last night, and then had another one this morning just to be certain that he was clean. But he couldn't shake that twisting, crawling feeling that ran from his throat to his groin as he remembered the reason that he was here.

"Hey."

This was going to be a very verbose conversation.

[glacial_queen]

"Hi," Karla returned, half-rising awkwardly from her desk chair. "..."

What next? 'Thanks for stopping by'? 'Can I get you something to eat'? 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry'? If she were capable of joking, she'd say something about the upholstery, but...yeah. That wasn't really going to happen.

"Would you like to sit down?" Those were words! Coherent even! Never mind that there was only her bed, the floor, and the desk chair for him to sit on! Words!

[wwiii]

"Sitting would be..." Uh. Well, there was the chair, which was okay, if he turned it around backwards, but even then... "Nice, but I think I'll stand. Thank you."

He'd tried!

He inhaled deeply, and then chewed on his lip. And fidgeted. And looked at the floor. And then, in an attempt to look up at her again, ended up looking at the wall. Walls were pretty cool.

"I wish I knew what to say right now," he said, finally.

[glacial_queen]

"I could start," Karla said, voice nearly a whisper. She didn't see his amazing bouncing gaze, as hers was locked pretty firmly on the floor. "With an apology. If you wanted to hear it."

It's entirely possible he didn't. And if not...Karla wouldn't blame him. Karla was doing an impressive amount of not blaming Warren for stuff.

[wwiii]

"It would be something," Warren allowed, softly. His gaze was now moving from one wall to the next wall. For the full Walls Experience. Tell a friend.

"An apology. Or an explanation. Or..." He shrugged a little. "You couldn't have been surprised by what they did."

You don't give two massive demons an excuse to eviscerate your boyfriend and then not expect them to take full advantage of it.

[glacial_queen]

Karla drew in a long shuddering breath, then exhaled slowly. She loathed apologies, but if one could help even a little with what she'd done, she'd start one now and do so gladly. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wronged you, I used you, and I have never regretted something as much as I do this. Never in my life. I am sorry, Warren, and even if--you can't--I just want you to know I'm sorry."

She brushed her hair back away from her face. The apology, hard as it had been, was still far easier than any explanation. "The extent of what they did? I wasn't expecting that. I didn't let myself think about how bad they could be. Because if I had, I couldn't have gone through with it."

[wwiii]

That... didn't manage to make Warren feel much better. Funny, that.

"Gone through with it," he echoed, tiredly. "You didn't let yourself think about it, because then you wouldn't have gone through with it..."

He grit his teeth for a moment. He wanted to... run away. Or to yell. Or to cry. Or to just start laughing and never stop. His head was spinning, and he hated it.

"They were three times my size at least, both of them, with claws as long as my whole hand," he murmured. "And... demons."

Under the command of someone who went around calling himself 'Brother Blood' and eating human flesh.

[glacial_queen]

"Did you think I'd have a good explanation?" Karla gasped out. "Did you honestly think there was anything I could say that would make this good? That I would have an explanation that could possibly match up to what you went through? There isn't! I can't! I know that. Mother Night, this would be easier if I didn't, if I still felt that I was somehow in the right for what I did! But I don't. That didn't last much beyond the second you hit the ground."

[wwiii]

"I wouldn't know," Warren replied, his tone still that soft, even, gentle one that he used for almost everything. He'd told off his father with this tone of voice before throwing himself through a window and flying out of his life completely. And now, he was...

He didn't know. He just... didn't.

"I just... Why? My blood heals other people's injuries too, so that means I'm... immortal, or something? What in the world made you think that was okay?"

[glacial_queen]

Karla swapped her vantage point, going from staring at the floor to staring at the ceiling, blinking back tears she didn't want Warren to see. Not now. She didn't want him to feel...cornered, by her crying.

"Because I saw a way to achieve the maximum benefit with the minimal risk."

Mother Night, how awful this sounded. Hearing her own words echoing in her ears made her stomach churn.

"At that moment, it didn't matter who you were or who I was or even who Sebastian and Raven were. It was a balance of skills and powers and reactions. I'm supposed to be the land's heart and the Blood's moral center. But when I'm acting most a Queen, I lose both those things. I acted like a Queen--the most amount of good for the least amount of risk--but I...lost myself. That's not who I am. Or who I want to be. Or what I want to be. But it's who I became, for just long enough to put you in the crucible. I gambled with something precious--something that she didn't want wasn't mine to gamble with at all. And that fact that I didn't lose doesn't change how close I came to doing so. Or how wrong it was in the first place."

[wwiii]

Really, if Warren drooped any more than he already was, his feathers were going to be bent from resting on the floor.

What she was saying, then, was that in that moment, he wasn't her boyfriend, or even her friend. He was convenient.

He couldn't breathe.

"Yeah," he agreed, the softness in his voice fading down even more, to something more like a bare whisper. "Yeah, it was pretty wrong."

[glacial_queen]

Karla hated knowing that there was a part of her that could do that. Hated. If this was truly a part of being a leader, a Queen, then she wanted no part of it.

You can't be someone's commander and stay their friend, Karla.

And if it wasn't, she needed to find out what was wrong with herself that could let her do something like that to people she loved.

"I know that." Tears were falling now; she turned her head so he couldn't see. "It could have been anyone. I would have found some way to use them, too. Emma and her diamond-form. Bobby and his ice. Me and my shields. I would have used me, too. It doesn't make it right. I can't make it right. I know that."

She huddled up a little. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't think I'm strong enough to do it a second time? Seeing you...on the floor...not knowing if I'd lost you...I realized just how wrong it was. Not even what I'd done, but the gamble itself. I thought it had been the least risk, but I was wrong. I nearly lost everything. I...I still might. And it wasn't worth it. I can't think of anything that is. Even Glacia..." Worth her sacrifice, maybe, because it was hers, but not worth his.

[wwiii]

Warren bit his lip, hard, because doing so was about the only thing that kept him from saying something he'd possibly regret later, about how it didn't make him feel much better. About how he didn't think he was strong enough to have it happen to him the first time.

"... Do you have any idea what I'm feeling, right now?"

Because... everything she'd said to that point had been about what she was thinking, and what she might lose, and... he had no idea if she really understood where he was sitting, right then. Beyond, of course, traumatized. And tired. And feeling sick and guilty because she was trying so hard not to let him see her cry.

God, he was the one who had almost died, yesterday. Why did he end up feeling bad about this?


[I lied. I had one more ping left in me. Night!]

[glacial_queen]

Karla would feel more guilty if she knew how guilty she was making him feel. GUILT-SPIRAL YAY!

"Hurt?" Karla suggested. "Used and betrayed? Scared? I have guesses--" Hell, she could read his psychic scent if she really wanted to. Not that she did. Darkness, she didn't want to know. Not that clearly. "--but I didn't want to just...assign you emotions, on top of everything else. Angry? Mother Night, you have every right to be that. Confused."

Hating me...

[wwiii]

"Yeah... All of that." Warren gave his shoulders a tiny shrug, there. "For a bit, I kind of wondered if that was... how much I matter, when Raven's in danger. But you just said yourself that it wasn't about her or me or any of us. So... I don't... know."

He wanted to yell. He wanted to yell, and scream, and go up one side of her and down the other, and the more that he wanted to, the quieter he spoke, and the worse he felt about any of it at all.

If he started yelling, he was afraid that he just might not stop.

[glacial_queen]

Honestly? Karla wish he'd yell and scream and storm. He was just so...so quiet. It made everything just felt so...final.

"I can't deny I was willing to risk a lot to save her. Mostly because, if I could save her, maybe I could make up for failing her before. But it wasn't like I decided the sacrificing you would be worth it if only I could get Raven back. It's not true."

[wwiii]

Warren almost managed to bite back the next words out of his mouth. Almost.

"What made it worth it, then?"

And then he winced, and shook his head. He wasn't going to apologize for that. He wasn't. But that didn't make it any nicer to say.

"I feel like I'm overreacting, carrying on about this when I'm standing here in one piece. I keep asking for these answers, and explanations, and... I'm down a shirt, and that's... all the damage there is."

Only, it wasn't. There had been a lot of damage done. It just didn't leave the sort of scar that you could see.

[glacial_queen]

Karla winced along with him, but couldn't deny it was a fair question. She just hoped he could understand her answer. It had taken a lot of talking to Ender last night for her to be able to say even this much. "Have you ever been...toting up numbers and, just for a moment, forgot what they meant? That they were more than figures on a page and that your decisions would have further-reaching consequences than just getting the result you wanted? I fell into that mindset. I stopped seeing you all as my friends who could get hurt and just saw...soldiers."

It was ugly and awful and Karla felt very, very small right then. She'd always said she wasn't a nice person, but she'd always thought she was at least a decent one. She couldn't be sure of that anymore.

"You don't have to feel that way. Like you're overreacting. Even if what they did to you amounted to nothing more than a scratch, it still wasn't right. I used you. And I'm so, so sorry for that. But I don't know if sorry is enough. I don't even know if it should be."

[wwiii]

"Neither do I," Warren admitted. His voice was just as soft as it had been when the conversation began. It was probably going to stay that soft.

"You know... You're not even the first person to do that," he continued, suddenly feeling far more tired, now. "I mean, to stop seeing me as me, and to start thinking of me as... an asset, or something. The last time somebody did that to me, I took off flying and didn't circle back."

[glacial_queen]

"I knew that would be a possibility from the moment I told you what really happened," Karla said dully. Which was why for one brief moment, when she'd realized he didn't know, she'd thought about just not telling him. But in the end, she couldn't bear to lie to him, even by omission.

Even if it would have been kinder.

"No one would blame you, if you did. Especially not me."

Oh, that hurt to say. Her knuckles were white and her nails digging half-moons into her palms. It just felt wrong to give him up without a fight like that. But it was also just. Wasn't it?

"I took your choice away once already. I wouldn't--wouldn't do it again."

[wwiii]

"I didn't think for a second that you would the first time," Warren murmured. "My father spent years dehumanizing me, Karla. I grew wings at seven, and he spent so much time convincing himself that all I'd gotten was a disease, that I was still human because it was just some kind of genetic fluke, that everything about me was just that. Just the disease. Nothing else mattered."

He took in a deep breath, and then, when he spoke again, he was finally looking at her face, and his words were a little more firm than they'd been a moment before.

"If I don't walk away now, how do I know that I won't ever find myself becoming numbers without consequence, again? All I have is your word."

[glacial_queen]

And now Karla was crying too hard to even try to hide it, anymore.

"I don't really have anything to say to that," she said, when she could speak again. "I want to say, 'No, I couldn't, not after that.' But I did before, so you have no reason to believe me. And I'm not sure how to prove it to you, save for throwing us into more disasters and I don't want to do that. But...I'll try. I'll do whatever I can to prove it to you. I don't know what or how but if you'll just give me the time, I'll do what I can to show you I won't."

She wiped away her tears with impatient hands, struggling for calm. "I don't know if this means anything to you, but I'm also talking to Ender about this? He...he understands. His background--he warned me even, before all this. But I didn't listen. Because--because even if I lose you, I can't keep on being this way."

[wwiii]

"No," he agreed, quietly. "You can't. Next time, whoever gets thrown to the wolves might not be half as lucky as I was."

Warren's definition of lucky, at this point, was 'not dead.'

"You want time? I have... all of the time in the world. I don't have anywhere to go," he said, with a small shake of his head as his gaze dropped back down to the floor. "But it's going to take a lot of work to get me to trust you again, Karla. Right now... I care about you. That hasn't stopped. But you're my dad all over again. Only, maybe a little more dangerous."

[glacial_queen]

Ouch.

Karla didn't know what hurt worse: the admonition he didn't trust her, the downgrade from 'love' to caring, or the comparison to his father. The negative comparison.

She did know the absolute worst was that she deserved all three.

"I don't care how hard it is. Even just the chance is worth it. You may not believe it of me right now, but I love you. The chance to hold onto that is priceless," she whispered behind the veil of her hair.

Even...even if he was only staying because he had nowhere else to go. She'd cling to that much and work to build more.

[wwiii]

Warren was chewing on the inside of his cheek before he could even begin to string words together, now.

When had he grown enough of a backbone to say any of these things?

"Then... You've got the chance," he replied, no more loudly than he'd said anything else. No less steadily, either. "I hope you're a fast learner, Karla."

Not just for his sake. Not just for hers. If she could shut down and stop seeing him as anything but a pawn in whatever dangerous game of chess they were playing, she could do it to people who were far less likely to survive the experience.

That frightened him.

[glacial_queen]

In another situation, Karla would be proud of the amount of backbone he was displaying. Right now? There really wasn't any room beyond misery.

And she agreed with him that this went beyond what happened between him and her. To some extent, she needed that ability, to make far-reaching decisions as Queen, because she couldn't save everyone. Not and stay sane. But she couldn't do it so...randomly. It needed to be under her control, so she could use it at need. And, more importantly, not use it when it wasn't.

"I do, too," she said, because what else was there to say? Besides another round of apologies, of course. That was always topical. "Thank you, for giving me that much."

[wwiii]

Warren didn't have anything to say in return to that. Not at first. He did nod a little bit, lifting his chin slightly as he realized that downtrodden droop that he'd been standing in had changed somewhere through the course of their conversation, too.

He hadn't known that he could stand up so straight.

"I... think that you can do it," he ventured, finally. "You've managed to do something that my father never did, already. You've admitted to it."

That didn't mean that he was running across the room to scoop her into his arms or anything, no. But, if nothing else, it was some sort of affirmation that he realized that she was trying to make right, right now.

It was a start.

[glacial_queen]

For the first time since the conversation began, Karla managed to look up at Warren. Part of her noticed this new straightness; the lack of his normal self-effacing, almost submissive posture. Most of her, however, was focusing on on his face and the sudden, slight flare of hope inside.

"I know I can," she said, finding a bit of firmness in her own voice. "Because there's too much on the line to fail. It simply isn't an option."

Just a start, perhaps. But it was a start, not an ending. Karla could find happiness, in that.

[wwiii]

"Good," Warren replied. There was something approaching a smile edging its way onto his features, now. It still fell a bit short, but it was... it was something.

And then he was biting his lip and ducking his head and shrugging his shoulders as the next ridiculous thought popped into his mind.

"And you owe me a new shirt."

That there, that was a smile.

[glacial_queen]

"You just want another dinner with my family," Karla said with a wavery smile. "I'm onto you."

She'd almost said 'a trip to Kaeleer' but reminding Warren of Agio wasn't going to win her any points right now.

"I don't suppose one of the shirts I claimed for my own will count?"

She almost wanted to laugh. Or maybe just collapse to the floor. The sudden relief that filled her made her legs a little trembly. They were joking. It didn't mean they were even good yet, but...he didn't hate her. He was offering her a chance. Neither of those had been certainties when he'd walked in.

[wwiii]

"That depends on whether or not you've claimed any of the ones with holes down the back," Warren replied.

... Because he was pretty sure that she'd just been taking the ones that didn't have wingholes. And he could get those with the spare change that he'd left in the common room couch cushions by accident on a weekly basis. He was kind of running out of custom-tailored shirts, with the rate he was soaking them with blood and filling them with slash-holes.

He kept that smile up for a few more moments, before it gave way into something that very suspiciously resembled a yawn. No, he hadn't slept last night. Not even close.

[glacial_queen]

There was the one with holes in it in the section of Karla's drawers that she'd set aside for Warren. She fetched it for him then, handing it over with a murmured, "I still owe you one." She hadn't stolen that one, after all.

The yawn had her looking up at him with concerned eyes. She lifted her hand up to caress his cheek, though she dropped it back to her side before it had gotten more than halfway, unsure if such a gesture would be welcome right now or not. "You should rest now, if you can. I can brew you a tea that may help. It lets you sleep without dreams for a few hours."

Without nightmares, really. Karla was fairly confident the events of Raven's resurrection would be haunting his dreams for awhile.

[wwiii]

"I think I could use something like that," Warren admitted, nodding and in that moment looking every bit as tired as he felt. "Have you ever felt too tired to sleep?"

He suspected that he wasn't the only one. He wadded up the shirt in his hands, staring down at it quietly.

He was really no good at this... hero thing.

[glacial_queen]

Except he kept going forward and doing it anyway. Which made him more of a hero than some others, who had no idea that they even should be frightened.

Though Warren probably wasn't in the mood to hear her say that.

"I have," Karla said, calling in her tea supplies and checking to see what she had. "Agio was like that," she added quietly, not sure that mentioning that place was the best idea right now, considering what he'd gone through there, too. "Glacia, too, a lot. After I came back to the estate from living with the coven."

She plucked several small bags and turned to hand them over. "The tea in the blue bags will help you sleep," she told him. "The tea in the green will help settle your nerves and let you eat." Okay, it would help settle his stomach, but there were some parts of his anatomy Karla wasn't going to mention right now. Specifically, any parts she'd seen on the outside recently.

[wwiii]

Oh, tea. Warren was beginning to wonder if there was anything that it couldn't do.

"Thank you," he replied, his voice a little softer than it had been before. Apparently, that was possible. "I'm... new to this."

To the trauma.

"After Agio, Sookie helped me with that. She kind of... tucked things away so that I could sleep. But I think I need to... figure this one out on my own."

After drinking some tea from the blue bag.

[glacial_queen]

Kaeleer was a place of magic tea, it was true. Many hours were spent bent over an herb table to bring people tea that could cure all ills.

The words 'you're welcome' stuck in her throat. She was why he needed them, after all. "It's hard, but the tea will help you through," she said, pausing a moment before adding a few more blue bags. "The first few days are the most difficult."

Days, weeks...whatever. Still, she knew what she was talking about. Voice of experience and all that.

"There are meditation tricks you can learn, too," she added. "I--Sookie can probably teach you some. Or maybe Tara." Since she doubted she or Raven were at the top of his current go-to list of teachers.

[wwiii]

"Sookie's probably got her hands full with Bobby right now," Warren noted, softly. There was a small world of regret in those words.

He'd promised that Bobby wouldn't have to see anything like that. Not with him.

"I'll Google it."

The internet: Awesome for everything from social networking to trauma.

[glacial_queen]

Karla heard the regret and while she didn't understand it's source, felt guilty all over again. "I'm sure that will work, too," she said, completely smoothly and with no awkwardness whatever.

Now she was just standing there, fidgeting, not entirely certain what to do next. They'd talked, she didn't think they'd broken up, exactly, even if they weren't entirely together right now, either, she'd given him the tea...Her usual go-to options, like 'kiss him soundly' or 'pounce' weren't on the table anymore...

More than anything, she hated this awkwardness. The distance between them that hadn't been there before, the one that make the silences stretch forever and every word feel wrong in her mouth. "Thank you again," she blurted, half out of a desperation to find something to say. "For coming in to talk to me. For giving me a chance."

[wwiii]

"I said I would," Warren replied, shrugging a little, fidgeting a bit as well, between the shirt and the tea in his hands. "I... needed to know why."

And now that he knew why, he wasn't entirely thrilled with it, but at least it beat running from it. Warren... Warren ran entirely too much.

[glacial_queen]

Again, would there ever have been a reason that Waren would have been okay with? There were other reasons; reasons Karla could explain properly or wouldn't explain because they felt too much like an excuse. But even those wouldn't have been enough.

"Whatever your reasons, I appreciate it," she said, moving over to pluck the dead leaves off her miniature honey-pear tree. She needed the soothing of the earth right now, even something as little as a plant in a pot. "I hope the tea is okay. Don't let it get cold. It tastes awful that way."

In a minute, she'd probably move on to the curtains.

[wwiii]

Warren didn't think for an instant that the tea could possibly taste worse than Karla's cookies.

"Right," he agreed, making the proper mental note. "Thanks. For the tea."

Things like this clearly needed to be properly clarified.

Another yawn.

"I guess... I'll be on my way, now. Unless there was anything else?"

[glacial_queen]

Karla was actually competent at tea! Mostly because she knew she wasn't allowed to experiment or adapt the ingredients.

"I--" Karla paused, looking torn. Should she explain the rest? Would he understand, or just think she was making excuses? Could she explain it well enough for him to understand? Was it even that important or was she just focusing on it to make herself seem less in the wrong? She didn't know. "In Kae--"

Then she deflated. None of the explanations she could figure out in her head sounded good enough to offer him. "Never mind," she said dully. "That's all."

[wwiii]

Warren gave the inside of his cheek a good gnaw, at that. She had more to say. He could tell that she did.

But he was tired, and even if he wasn't physically sore, his emotions were still in a bit of a tangle, and not much was making sense anymore, especially after a few days without any sleep beyond her kind of shutting him down after he'd tried to leap out the window.

He sighed.

"It isn't," he said, quietly. "But now isn't a great time. I'll catch up with you again later? After we've both gotten a bit more rest?"

After he felt a bit more human, again.

[glacial_queen]

"That's sounds fair," Karla agreed. Maybe by then she'd have an explanation that could actually make sense of everything else. Or would have decided that it was all some kind of lame excuse to absolve her of her responsibilities. "More rest sounds really nice."

She'd be hitting her own stash of tea, too.

[wwiii]

"I'll see you 'round, then?" Warren offered her a small, tired smile. "I mean, it isn't as if we don't know how to find one another, right?"

The tea was going to be his best friend, for a couple of days.

"Take care, Karla."

[glacial_queen]

"We do," Karla agreed, not mentioning how slim the odds were of her finding her way over to his room. He was the injured party; the ball was pretty much in his court for how quickly he wanted to set the pace of their reconciliation.

"You too, Warren," she said. "Be well. Sleep well." She swallowed back the three words that wanted to follow.

The door closing behind him echoed loudly in her empty room.